Catalysis
by Defiant.Anjeru
Summary: Dragon Age II told though Anders' point of view, and his journals. Katherine Hawke was a mystery he couldn't ignore. She stood for what he hated, a hypocrite to her own kind, but despite Justice's insistence that he steer clear, he could not. There is very thin line between love and hate. M for language, dark themes, and sexual situations. Anders/F!Mage!Hawke rivalmance.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **This is my newest on-going, multi-chaptered Dragon Age fic. It's a bit different from my normal path; it will be Anders/Hawke rivalmance, and mostly in first person perspective from Anders' point of view. I have been writing a lot of Fenris/Hawke and when I saw this on the Dragon Age kink meme, I thought to myself 'I have to do this'. I hope to see many of you enjoy this! I look forward to writing it. And please, if you have a moment, please do leave a review. Motivational boosters like you wouldn't believe.

This fic will likely be dark in places, and angsty, you know, given that it's well...Anders. Rated M for that and eventual smut, because, well, yeah.

**_Prompt: I want to see Anders' journal entries about meeting Hawke, his attraction to Hawke, fighting his attraction, falling in love with Hawke, seeing Hawke naked by accident. Declaring his feelings...His first time with Hawke. Etc._**

Disclaimer: I make no profit from this, all belongs to Bioware.

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_The assault on Vigil's Keep by the darkspawn had given me an opportunity to escape – in some small way – a fate I did not truly want. I had used the Wardens as an escape from the circle, from the templars, but it was no more free than the walls of the tower had been. In the midst of all the chaos, Justice and I made our escape; it had turned out to be an easy enough task, if you don't count escaping the waves of darkspawn as they spilled over the keep and slaughtered every able body in their way. I'd hated leaving that way. Despite my dislike of the Wardens, I had a friend in the Warden-Commander and I discovered a bitter taste on my tongue at the thought of what she may suffer when she came to believe I had perished among all the others. _

_Merging with Justice. Now, that hadn't gone as easily as we had planned. He needed a host to remain outside of the Fade and I offered myself to him, finally willing to step up and do something about the injustice mages like me faced every day at the hands of the templars. But with that discovery had come the anger, the bitterness, the burning need for revenge; feelings that warped the once pure spirit into something I could no longer recognize as my friend. _

_I can still remember the blood. So much blood. The Wardens had found us, seen what we'd done, what we'd become. Even the Wardens drew a line at abominations. _

_I could do nothing but what I had been doing all along – I ran. I escaped in the end to Kirkwall, the last place I had heard from Karl. Held in the wretched Gallows by the templars in their mockery of a circle of magi. Leave it to the templars to use a **prison** to house Kirkwall's mages. _

_But no. I wasn't going to let them keep Karl. Not him, not if I could help it._

_And that's when I met **her**. Katherine Hawke. _

_I admit when she came into my clinic this morning I may have been a bit...dramatic. Justice has a way of putting me on edge. She wasn't phased by my display for a moment, her impossibly amber eyes simply staring me down, as if daring me to make a move toward her. _

_I was in awe, really. Until she opened her mouth. _

_Rude. That was my first impression. Blunt, my next. Cold, my third. Hard, my last. I'd be lying if I said beautiful hadn't made a brief appearance, as well. How could it not? She was tall for a woman, slender, like a reed, but in no way did she lack curves. Her skin was pale, hair a striking contrast of black, tied up all tightly on her head in a coiled bun; though some of her hair rebelled and fell to frame her youthful, tattooed face. And those eyes. Entrancing, really. _

_Too bad she didn't have any tact. Or have anything else, for that matter. _

_There was little to no reaction from her when I lost myself to Justice that night when we were confronted by templars when trying to rescue Karl; when I'd seen the sun brand burned into his brow, I couldn't keep myself under control. The Rite of Tranquility – what a blighted joke that was. 'We can't control you, so we're just going to strip you of everything that makes you human.' Bloody templars. _

_We'd come back to my clinic after. She forced me to tell her what it was that she had seen in the chantry. I told her everything; again, little to no reaction. In the end she said little. Asked me for the maps to the deep roads for her expedition. _

_I have never been more frustrated by a woman in all my years. Even when I was notorious for...you know, getting around, as I often did before Justice. She was eerily beautiful, but cold. Hard. Almost uncaring. _

_Now when I sit here, writing about this, I wonder if it is just the way she's learned to carry herself. Being a mage often gives you a life full of hardships undeserved. I find myself curious about her. About what she feels beneath her stoic facade. **If **it was a facade. Maybe she was as empty and unfeeling as she appeared. _

_I don't know why I didn't just give her the maps and been done with her. I offered her my companionship and services should she have need of either, though the former was likely unwanted. _

_Already she was a distraction. I can hear it my mind, the way Justice whispers about her. He believes she will do nothing but become a hindrance to us, to our plans. _

_A part of me is insistent that she's not as she appears. _

_Or perhaps it is just wishful thinking on my part._

_Only time will tell. _


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Thank you for the reviews! Also...inspiration strikes at the oddest moments. Lol.

Disclaimer: All property of Bioware.

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_Hawke told me about a sister she had. A mage, like her. A nice girl she said, unlike that insufferable brute she calls her brother. I was trying to be nice, genuinely sorry for their loss, but he had the nerve to tell me to 'stay surly'. For the first time in her company, I'd seen a very slight smile slip its way across Hawke's lips. _

_Amused by our bickering, I'd say. _

_This was only my second time out with her. I didn't have a read on her. Her brother though, took me all but one moment and one glance to know he would be nothing but trouble. He reminds me too much of a templar, the way he regards mages. Katherine – or Hawke rather – seemed indifferent to what she was, as if it was what it was, and she could care less. I didn't like to see her feel that way. _

_Perhaps if she weren't the last mage in her family line, she would feel different. Can't rightly say for sure. _

_I knew though, she was a powerful mage. She made it look effortless. Deadly as any sword-hand. I shuddered the first time I'd watched her summon a tempest around us, bolts striking our enemies to reduce them to nothing more than writhing bodies in pain. _

_Merrill – the elven mage that had escorted us up Sundermount – even seemed in awe of her. The elf had been nervous when we had first met, rambling about how elven mothers used humans as scary bedtime stories; I had no doubt that scary stories could be told of Hawke. _

_That was just something you felt around her; intimidated sure, but also that this was someone who was going to rise up, make a difference. Someone that would have stories told of her for years to come. _

_Every day I grow more and more fascinated by her and it isn't something that is going to end well. _

_I was never so sure of that until we had watched Merrill use blood magic; foul, evil magic. Given to a mage by demon, once a deal was struck. But that elf, she was clueless, sure she knew what she had gotten herself into. She was a fool. In the end, this is what had the templars in a tizzy. They feared us becoming abominations, demons let loose from the Fade. I despise blood magic and the fools that hurt our cause by using it. _

_But Hawke...she'd thanked her for her assistance, a knowing smile on her lips. As if she understood all too well. _

_I did not want to let my suspicions get out of control, but a part of me felt something uneasy in that moment. I did not want to think that Hawke used blood magic, but it could very possibly be true. We all knew – save her brother – so very little about her. _

_I felt Justice scream inside my head, his unrest in my soul. He wanted free, to punish her, to punish the elf, but through some sort of act of sheer will, I had managed to keep him from freeing himself. But he remained restless as we left and headed back to Kirkwall, the elven mage in tow. _

_Hawke took her to the alienage, the part of the city where the elves lived. Merrill didn't look happy but in my opinion, she had nothing to complain about. As shanty and unkempt as the alienage seemed, it was still far more hospitable than my clinic in Darktown. _

_I had watched as Hawke embraced the girl, patting her on the back. A smile had been on her lips when she assured her that she already had a friend in her. _

_Why?_

_Justice remained uneasy as I returned to my clinic and for once, I felt just as much unrest without any provocation from him. _

_I hate writing this, thinking that Hawke could be a user of blood magic, but suspicions are there for a reason, right? This attraction to her was only growing the more I was around her, but I could not and would not allow myself to feel anything for a blood mage. _

_The answer is simple – I have to find out what Katherine is hiding, before it is too late to turn back. Though I fear that time had come and gone the moment I'd first laid eyes on her. _


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **Again, thank you for the reviews, alerts, favorites; I can't always get to personal thank-you's, but I really appreciate them! I'm glad to know my ideas, stories, are liked. You have no idea. Thank you! ^_^

Disclaimer: DA'verse is owned by Bioware. Katherine Hawke is mine though.

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_I know how on edge I've become. I hold no delusions of this. By the Void, I'm the only one who can know. _

_I'd be the first to point out how judgmental I've become since merging with Justice. That's just how it was. When you allow a spirit of Justice into your soul, it becomes hard to see the world in grays; justice sees no gray, only black and white, either good or evil. Justice saw no thin lines to walk; you either crossed it, or you didn't. _

_Although I think I would have disliked this elf, even if I wasn't merged with Justice. _

_I could forgive that he'd used us as a bait to lure out the hunters on his trail. I could even forgive him coercing us into a new job, one that entailed us slaughtering his old master in a mansion in Hightown. I could forgive all the shades, and demons, we were forced to fight on his behalf, even when in the end it made little to no difference. _

_I think it was the way he looked at Hawke and I once he realized what we were. He looked as if the very idea of working with mages made him violently ill. How I've come to hate the blind judgment of my people; what would it take for the world to see that not every mage is a blood mage? That not every mage consorts with demons? _

_He'd seen us casting spells in the house, he said, and then he confronted Hawke on what manner of mage she was. _

_The corner of her lips had twitched as if she were fighting her amusement. _

"_I'm not seeking anything. I am who I am. Nothing more." _

_The elf – Fenris – merely shook his head as if her answer disappointed him. "Yet trouble will undoubtedly find you."_

_Anger swept through me and I was forced to keep a tight reign on Justice as he prowled irritably within me. "Hawke isn't the only mage here, you know," was all I could allow myself to say with the way my blood was boiling in the need to placate this threat. And he was a threat, I could feel it. _

"_Oh I know. But you – you I need no explanation of what kind of mage you are."_

_I felt my skin burn and my eyes follow suit. Justice was not happy, but I tried to keep myself calm. I took a step toward him, but Hawke found my wrist with her fingers and pulled me back toward her. I froze at the contact, Justice immediately receding to the depths of my mind and stay there. Her touch calmed me when nothing else could. It was both a frightening and amazing thing. _

_She lingered, gave me a soft smile, as if to assure me all was well. She wasn't offended by his insinuations, so why should I be? _

_I nodded and she withdrew her cool touch from my wrist. I immediately wanted it to return, the loss more substantial than I could have imagined. Maker...I am already falling for this mysterious enigma, aren't I? _

_Fenris offered his services to us and a part of me hoped she would send the blighted elf on his way. Instead she said that she might need his help with her expedition and he told her he would be here if she needed him. He commented that if his master wanted his mansion back he was free to return and take it from him; a part of me wished this magister would do exactly that. _

_Justice doesn't like him and honestly, neither do I. _

_I have a feeling if Justice wants a go at him, I may be a little too inclined to let him. _

_Even now, in the silence of my humble home, I know – I feel – that the elf is going to do nothing but cause problems. Not only for me, but for Hawke. Especially for Hawke._


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **Thank you so much for the continued reviews! Alas, we all knew he would not like Fenris. Lol!

Disclaimer: Everything Dragon Age belongs to Bioware. Can I come too?

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_That bloody elf is beyond irritating! _

_I was obviously hasty in my thought that, perhaps being an escaped slave, he may, even a little, sympathize with the mages here in Kirkwall who are held in the Gallows against their will. _

_I have to wonder who it was that told him; he wasn't with us when I had my...episode in the chantry. I don't like the thought of someone spreading my secrets, even amongst those of our group. Or rather, Hawke's growing band of misfits. _

_I wanted to throttle him. _

"_Did I hear correctly? You are a...abomination?" _

"_Why don't you shout? I don't think everyone heard you." Sarcasm. I often resorted to that out of irritation. Just what I needed was templars busting down my door because some big-mouthed elf was spouting my secrets throughout all of Lowtown. _

"_Do you see yourself as harmless, then? An abomination that would never harm someone?" I could hear the disgust in his voice; who was he, that he thought he had the right to judge me? _

"_What? You mean like ripping someone's heart out of his chest?" I'd watched him do it the night we met him, not even two days ago. He was a cold-blooded killer and he had the nerve to be all uppity and snide with me simply because what? - I am a mage? I bet if I wasn't a mage, he wouldn't have bothered pestering me._

_He was defensive, that much I could hear, I could see it in the way he'd stiffened at my words. He practically snarled at me. "I did that at the behest of no demon!" _

"_So we agree that it doesn't take a demon for someone to be a vicious killer? Good." He didn't say anything after that. Grunted and went back to his brooding silence. _

_At least until we reached the Gallows, where Hawke was going to meet with a mage in the circle about letters she'd found in her family's vault in the old Amell mansion in Hightown(we'd snuck in and cleared the slavers out in search of the their – Hawke's and Carver's – grandfather's will). _

_He started on about Tevinter and its magisters. About how he saw fear here, but no oppression. About how if the mages were given freedom, they would not hesitate to make themselves magisters even here, outside of the Imperium. _

"_The circle may be necessary." Hawke's words were what surprised me the most. She was a mage! How could she even think that the circle – and all its injustices – was necessary? "It is possibly better than the alternative, if it is as you say." _

"_An alternative I am all too familiar with." Stupid, big-mouthed, blighted elf. Hawke had never been subjected to the circle. She'd never been imprisoned in the tower. She'd never been ripped away from her family as a wee child. _

"_Don't listen to him, Hawke." I'd snapped, glaring at Fenris with no concealment of my hatred of him. "The answer is not to lock us up. To torture us. Make us tranquil. It is fear of that that drives mages into a demon's waiting arms. The mages in the circle are no more than slaves. You should sympathize a little, you blighted elf." _

_He scoffed, lips curling back in distaste. "I don't." _

"_That's enough." Hawke merely shook her head, dismissing the subject. "We came here for a reason, let's get to it." _

_I had my hands full with patients, and trying to find out what is was that Katherine Hawke was hiding behind her cold exterior. I didn't have time to deal with this blighted elf and his attempts to sway Hawke against her own people, but I would stand vigilant against him regardless. _

_Hawke was a mage, I couldn't allow her to turn against her own people, not when she was our only hope at making a difference in Kirkwall. And if that failed...well, Justice wasn't going to rely on her, so things in this city were going to change, by her hand or ours. _

_One way of the other. The end result is all that mattered, not who's hand dealt the blow. _


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: **Thank you for your reviews! I try to answer them all individually, but I don't always have time. So this is a shout out for all of you, thanks! Hatsepsut and I both had an image in our head of Fenris and Anders playing tug o' war with poor Hawke after that last chapter. And according to Varric, we now have to figure out how to sew her arms back on. Lol.

Disclaimer: Dragon Age belongs to Bioware. I make no profit from this. But I enjoy it regardless. :3

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_I had not thought that our band of misfits could get any more odd. But the Maker – should he really exist – does seem to have a warped sense of humor, doesn't he? Tonight we acquired the services of a pirate named Isabela; she seems awfully familiar to me, but I wasn't given much time to dwell on where that familiarity stemmed from. _

_I couldn't seem to focus on anything other than the pirate flirting with Hawke. Or, Hawke actually flirting back. _

_Hawke even seemed relaxed around the woman. Genuine smiles and easy laughter. For once I felt as if I were seeing the woman she kept carefully concealed beneath the mask. _

_And I would be a lying hypocrite if I said it didn't bother me that Isabela was the one to bring this out in Hawke, and not me. Maker, I wanted to make Hawke smile like that. Even if her undecided views of mages made me wary of trusting her. That blighted elf certainly wasn't helping; every time she brought him around it was always 'mages cause this' and 'mages cause that', or 'blood magic this' and 'blood magic that'. I do not know about Hawke, but I am quickly becoming tired of this elf. _

_Ah. I seem to have digressed – where was I?_

_Oh yes. The pirate. _

_All flirting and joking aside, Hawke agreed to help her. A man, an associate of hers, had agreed to a duel but she didn't trust him to play fair. At least she had the good sense to assume it would end up as a trap. I remember trusting in a friend, an associate once, when I was with Kylie Amell as a Grey Warden; she'd told us where to find my phylactery, but in the end, she'd led us into a trap. Amell, now she surprised me, standing up against the templars for little old me. _

_Now that I think about it, the Warden, she reminded me of Hawke – or Hawke reminded me of her. They both had that impossibly dark hair, almost feline amber eyes, same cool exterior. Although, Amell's mask had been easier to see through, though I blame that fact on knowing she was in love. With an elf. I certainly hope her elf was easier to handle than our little Fenris. _

_I've got off track again, haven't I? _

_It turned out to a trap – not that I hadn't seen that coming. I barely managed to keep Justice out of the fray once the knowledge came to light that this man – Hayder – and his cohorts, were slavers. He bubbled beneath the surface through every moment of that fight and I wanted to pat myself on the back once it was over, knowing I'd kept him leashed. At lease once. _

_Isabela was a bit relieved, but she even told us she knew Castillon wasn't going to stop searching for her. She seemed as if she were alright handling it on her own, but Hawke smiled to the woman and promised her help. _

"_If getting the relic means getting Castillon off your back, then I'll help you retrieve it. I promise."_

_Isabela smiled, that sly smile that made me think she were eyeing her prey. "I think I'll tag along for a bit. There might be something I can do for you." She'd sauntered by Hawke, giving her an appraising eye. "I have a room at the Hanged Man, if you're looking for...company later." _

_So. I suppose our pirate didn't care what sex her partner was, so long as they were willing. And Hawke seemed to enjoy her company, despite how little time we've spent around the woman. _

_The mystery that was Hawke was only growing as each day passed. Now I had to wonder if she preferred the company of women, along with whether or not she dabbled in blood magic. _

_Why can't anything ever be easy?  
_

_My obsession with her is what makes it so complicated. The easy choice would be to keep my distance, but I find - complicated or not - that is the last thing I want to do.  
_


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: **I have been, and still am, pretty sick. Trying to sneak in a few updates during the few bits of time I am actually feeling good. Thank you for your patience and of course for your reviews!

Disclaimer: Bioware

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_Tonight was the first night the group gathered at the Hanged Man for drinks. Fenris and I steered clear of each other, lest we break into another verbal, and quite possibly a physical, confrontation. Something about that elf – besides him being a cold blooded mage hater – just rubbed me the wrong way. Or perhaps it was just because he was a mage hater. _

_I really can't stand him, though that wasn't anything new or relevant. The group as a whole could easily tell how much we disliked each other. _

_Varric in particular seemed to enjoy it. _

_But that dwarf seemed to be particularly amused by almost anything. Perhaps that was his own way of coping. Hawke herself – when she allowed the mask to fall – seemed to have an almost wry sense of humor. _

_I was almost the morose sort. Melancholy embodied, as Varric put it. How I had allowed myself to be drawn into such a group? Though Fenris was what the dwarf called 'broody'. Both misfits, I suppose it suited us, in our own ways. _

"_Ah Hawke, our illustrious leader!" Varric cheered. "To what do we owe this pleasure?"_

_She actually grinned. I almost felt myself stare in wonder at how is transformed her face. She was beautiful, even in her indifferent, somber moments, but smiles and grins – as rare as they were – lit her up in a whole different, very appealing way. I wasn't the only one looking, much to my displeasure. Fenris even seemed to be eying her with wonder. _

"_Can't be all work and no play." _

"_Oh! Oh, oh! I like this side of our leader!" Varric grinned. _

"_As do I," Isabela all but purred. Hawke chuckled and I again felt my gut churn, the green eyed monster all poked and prodded and grumpy. _

_Don't get me wrong, okay? Isabela was nice to look at. I'd even seen her in Ferelden, in my pre-Justice days. At the Pearl, not that finding her in a brothel was at all surprising if you knew her. As I hear it, she even frequents the Blooming Rose in Hightown, our own little slice of debauchery-laden heaven. Ever since Justice, I hadn't allowed myself to think of bedding anyone, much less getting romantically involved with said anyone. I didn't want to push this warped spirit on anyone other than myself; I alone was responsible for its corruption and in turn, should be the only one who deserved to deal with the consequences. _

_Digressing when he is mentioned seems to be one of those consequences. _

_The green-eyed monster was grumpy because I didn't want her looking at Isabela; I wanted Hawke to look at me with a smile on her lips and happiness in her eyes. It didn't matter what I believed of her, at least that is what I continue to try to convince myself. Really – shouldn't I be the last to judge? _

_Justice doesn't allow me to get drunk, but I could at least join Hawke and the others in drinks. It would have no effect on me, so while they would lighten up and open up, I would remain somber and myself. I suppose I was starting to resent Justice's presence in my life; I had lost myself, all of who I was, for this vendetta, this plan with him, to bring justice to mages all over Thedas. _

_I can admit this here, where my thoughts are my own – I did not believe that merging myself with Justice would change me so drastically. _

_I didn't much care about the mage's struggles before he convinced me to care and I was – selfishly – beginning to miss that. I couldn't be carefree anymore. Now my thoughts were his and we constantly kept covering our steps, going over our plans, because I was going to be catalyst for change; the one thing Justice believed in was that change was going to come, even if I had to precipitate it. _

_Moments like that were ones I wished I could get drunk. If I could, perhaps for once my thoughts would be silent. _

_Silence is golden, as they say. And underrated. _


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: **Thank you for the reviews, favorites, and follows; Anders does deserve some support. Hehe.

Disclaimer: Owned by Bioware, and I make no profit from this, but enjoy writing it regardless.

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_When we saw the Saarebas, I wanted to feel ashamed. I really did. _

_I had thought our lives – as mages – was an injustice, the way the templars herded us, forced us into subjugation after tearing us from our family's arms; for a moment, the moment I spent gazing upon the Saarebas, it all seemed so...trivial. _

_The beast of a man – that's what I call all the qunari I've ever seen(how can I not? **Have **you seen them? Huge is an understatement.) – he was literally chained, face half masked, and his lips...his lips were sewn shut. As a healer I could see that it wasn't to keep him from speaking, there was ample space for his lips to part should he wish to speak, so that left it as a symbolic gesture. _

_Compared to the Saarebas, my complaints of the templars felt...weak. We were allowed basic freedoms, should we not be made Tranquil. The Saarebas...he is the qunari equivalent, I figure, to our Tranquil mages. The difference was they were given no freedoms at all once they were discovered to be mages; they were immediately shackled, bound, made into servants. _

_Weren't we at least, in some way, allowed a semblance of a life in the circle? _

_This is where I sigh long and loud, and rub my temples as the headache comes on. Justice isn't happy with my way of thinking – any sort of subjugation in his eyes is wrong. He even accused me of keeping Ser-Pounce-a-lot against his will, though the cat was more than happy to stay with me. There were no grays when it came to spirits – as I've said before, you either cross the line or you don't. There was no such thing as toeing that line. _

_Naturally, even with Justice fuming inside of me every step of the way to do so, I wanted to help with escorting the Saarebas from Kirkwall, from his qunari captives. It went smoothly, save for one run in with unsavory ingrates, and we managed to make it out of the city using the secret passage provided to us by that Chantry mother and her templar lapdog. _

_That's when we learned it had been a trick. The Saarebas had been freed from his captives, his caravan, and the trail – although from the opposite direction than which we came – led these waiting qunari warriors right to us. _

_The leader demanded we return the Saarebas, saying his freedom was his crime. Justice threatened to tear from me in that moment and I seethed, deep, harsh, breaths that made my head spin. I could feel my skin tingle with awareness of the impending possession, but I had to keep him in check. Hawke would do the right thing, I was sure – she couldn't have wanted this kind of life, in its severity, for anyone. _

"_And if he doesn't want to go back?" She asked coolly. _

_The leader stepped forth and proclaimed, "Saarebas! Show that your will remains bound to the Qun." _

_Not even a minute passed when the man did as the other said. He knelt and bowed his head, submissive as any Tranquil mage. He didn't have a choice not really. He had been raised this way and knew nothing else, so why should he fight it? Hawke had to see what I saw, didn't she? I mean, even if I had a spirit spouting off every injustice he saw, it had to be obvious. _

"_My job was to get him out of the city," she admitted with a slight shrug of her shoulder, "if he wants to go back with you, that is his own business."_

_She really couldn't be as cold and uncaring as she seemed, could she? _

_The thought that she was, was maddening. Perhaps because this attraction to her wasn't diminishing with each display of uncaring. _

_In the end, the leader of the qunari unleashed the Saarebas to speak with us, then murdered him. Justice roared in my head and I winced. I even wince now, remembering the pain that came with his outrage. My temples throb in rememberance, I assure you. But before I could lose control, the qunari turned on us saying because the mage had been unleashed, and spoke to us, our deaths were demanded as a precaution in case we were corrupted by his speech. _

_Really? That explained their lips being sewn shut, I suppose. _

_The realization certainly didn't make Justice any less vocal, however. The resulting battle at least soothed the blood lust I felt whenever the spirit rallied to take possession of my body, likely stemming from the anger the usually opened the way for him. We returned to the Chantry mother, I don't care to recall her name, her's or the templar's. _

_She had wanted to use us to make an example of what became of qunari appeasers. _

_Hawke's eyes had narrowed on the woman. "You had better hope you never see my face again, or else I cannot promise what will become of you. You've made an enemy, one you will regret having betrayed." _

"_Take your money and go," the mother had sneered, throwing the bag of coins at Hawke's feet, "you are no one. Your word will have no standing against my own." _

_She was going to be trouble, I knew. _

_As if I didn't have enough trouble on my hands, and I'm sure Hawke had her own hands covered in it as well. _

_Perhaps Fenris was right; trouble seemed to find us, despite our best efforts to avoid it. But I refuse to think it's simply because we are mages. Perhaps my life may have been easier – perhaps I would not have merged myself with a spirit from the Fade – but these are things that cannot be changed now, things that are past and done with._

_Now we can only walk forward, even if we dread the path we are on. _


	8. Chapter 8 - Interlude I

**A/N: **Double update, who would have thought? This chapter is a bit different, you'll see why. Very quickly. I just had to write this bit in, and there will be other chapters throughout that aren't entirely through Anders' journals. Only POV's we'll see though are Hawke's and Anders', I'll tag them as interludes if you will.

Disclaimer: Owned by Bioware, and I make no profit from this.

* * *

_She really couldn't be as cold and uncaring as she seemed, could she? _

Katherine Hawke traced her fingers over the words as she read them for, what had to have been, the hundredth time. She had been young and naive then, believing that the way she treated someone made no consequence. She thought she could do whatever she wanted and feel no remorse, undergo no consequences. Holding his journals now, reading them, she could see how very wrong she had been.

She leaned back in the plush arm chair she was seated in, drawing her fingers through her graying hair; reading his journals had become her nightly ritual, every since...No, she couldn't think about that, not yet. Cold and uncaring is what she needed now, even if it wasn't better for the people involved in her life, but she had to distance herself.

She curled and uncurled her aging fingers, before deciding to keep reading instead of climbing the familiar steps to bed. Her palm laid itself against the yellowed parchment, before sliding to the edge so she could hook her fingers on the edge and flip it.

His script was easy and fluid, almost an art in itself. She could remember coming across his manifesto, the entirety of it in the same comforting scrawl. A scholar's scrawl; it had surprised her that those who'd read it had always dismissed it so easily, if not for the script in itself.

_Today I followed her. _

That was how this entry started and she couldn't help but smile, if not a little wryly. He had always been so suspicious of her, and they'd always seemed to but heads, but at least she could find amusement in it now when before it might have only angered her.

_She had not invited on me any jobs, but I found her in Hightown, speaking to that slime Hubert. A man who was known to exploit and underpay his workers, so long as his own profit flourished. I worried, though I didn't really understand why – if I was simply attracted to her, would I worry about her safety in such a way? _

_Maker, perhaps I was in deeper than I had previously assumed. _

_She called to me in a way I didn't want, or understand; she obviously cared naught for her kind – our kind. And even if she did return whatever it is I feel, she didn't deserve – I assume – to have my instability, and Justice, thrust upon her. _

_She wasn't the one who had made a bargain with the demons. As such, I alone should have to live with it. _

_With that thought, I found myself backing away. Then turning away. _

_I walked away because I believed she would be better off without me. If she wanted to handle Hubert on her own, who was I to say otherwise? I am not her friend, her lover, her husband; I'm a possessed apostate she would be much better off not growing attached to. _

_As much as I longed for her to do so. _

"Mama?" The sing song voice of the young girl brought her eyes up from the end of the entry. The small child, no more than 4 winters old, stood in the door of the study, holding an all too familiar pillow with one hand, rubbing a tired amber eye with the other.

"Andrea, baby," Hawke urged her over and the small child came toward her, the firelight reflecting off her dirty blonde hair. She readjusted the journal to her left leg so she could lift her to sit on her right one, snuggled up against her chest and under her arm. "What are you doing awake? It's very late."

"Sorry mama. Will you read to me?"

"Of course baby girl," she whispered, nuzzling her nose into the girl's hair. "Let's read daddy's book together, okay?"

_I wanted to be there for her, to help her. Perhaps there was a way I could make her understand what we were going through, as mages. Even if she evaded the templars, and made a name for herself, she could only keep herself out of Meredith's eye for so long. Being a somebody didn't always protect you, especially if you were a mage. _

_She had to feel something. There was something nagging at me, telling me that there was more to her than met the eye. _

_That saying came to mind – never judge a book by its cover. You may never know what lies within. _

"Who is daddy talking 'bout mama?"

Hawke smiled and kissed her daughter's hair. "He's talking about mommy, love."


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: **My net has been flaky, which is why the update took a little bit. Updates might end up being weekly if I can't resolve the problem; alas, I start work this Tuesday and will be working, for the foreseeable future, Mondays through Fridays, so if I cannot find time to update during that time, updates will most likely start being posted on the weekends. But thank you for your continued reviews, and even alerts, and favorites; I love them all! :)

Uh oh, I'm starting to see a little bit of Justice being mixed in.

Disclaimer: DA belongs to Bioware, but I enjoy playing with their toys.

* * *

_I'd left her to deal with Hubert on her own, even when she had come to the clinic looking for me. No doubt to ask for my assistance. I left the lantern unlit and barred the doors. As to why, I am not sure. I just wanted to distance myself from her and so I did. She knocked a few times, whispered my name through the door, but in the end left. Even if I had done this, I couldn't help but feel disappointed. _

_Once I was sure she was gone, I decided to work on my manifesto. _

_Or I suppose I could call it Justice's manifesto. None of these thoughts had come, so insistently, until I merged with him. _

_At times the parchment seemed to be filled with no more than ramblings. Here and there a solid thought, one worth hanging onto, could be found amongst the words. I had to wonder if it was myself writing these words, or if it was Justice; how could I not wonder? When you merge yourself with a spirit, how can one truly tell which of his thoughts are his own? _

_I knew when my actions were his. **That **was hard to miss. To me, it was as if watching my actions from outside of my body. I couldn't control myself and Justice did whatever he pleased. _

_That was the worst part of all this. _

_My anger at the injustice mages like I faced had warped my friend Justice into something else, a force of vengeance. When he was unleashed, blood soon followed. So much blood. _

_The Grey Wardens had seen what I'd done and I had not been able to control Justice just after we merged; any and all who came upon us, tried to restrain us, was cut down without a second thought. It didn't matter that I had once been a part of their Order. Once it was over, I was sickened by the sight of bodies and blood strewn over the field. _

_In hindsight, we could have merged somewhere a little more inconspicuous. _

_It didn't surprise me that the Grey Wardens even drew their line at abominations when it came to mages. I'd used to Grey Wardens to escape from being confined once more to the Circle of Magi. I used Justice to escape the Grey Wardens. It seemed that I didn't want to subjugated, in any manner, but at least back then it had been about my free spirit. Now, now it was just because subjugation being unjust. _

_I spent most of the day glaring down at my blasted manifesto. Almost bitterly. How I wish I could turn back time, find Justice a better, more suitable, host. Perhaps then I could have continued to be a free spirit. Meeting Justice had changed everything and I had made my choice, though now I fear it had been too rash. _

_I had wanted to help my friend. _

_It seemed an innocent enough excuse. I had the best intent for him in mind._

_But the road to the Void is paved with the best intentions. _

_After a while I put my manifesto away and opened the clinic, helped a number of people; a woman who'd broken her arm, a young boy with a sprained ankle, an elf with a large laceration in his side(no doubt a victim of street violence). At least with healing I could feel useful, feel as if I am doing some good. Perhaps in these moments I could actually feel like my fascination with Hawke wouldn't come to naught. _

_I'd kept my distance today. _

_Sitting here now, I can admit I'd missed her every minute. _

_Fascination? I wonder now if she's more my obsession than the object of my fascination..._

_Either way, it didn't bode well for our plans. We had to change things, that wasn't optional; his feelings for Hawke were. In time we would see that._


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: **I will be working Mondays through Fridays, in the mornings, 20 hours a week. I will also be attending college for 12 hours a week. That being said, I will be busy but will not fall too terribly behind on my updates. However, my net still isn't working so I will most likely be transferring my service – in the meantime, I'll be using the net at Starbucks when I get my coffee~

**Sidenote:** November marks NaNoWriMo; National Novel Writing Month. I had signed up to participate this year, so that may eat up a bit of time each night throughout November. Updates might end up being weekly during that time.

Thank you for your alerts, and favorites, and reviews! You guys rock, seriously!

Disclaimer: Bioware owns Dragon Age, so their at fault for Anders being in my head. Lol.

* * *

_She came by my clinic again the next day, and then the next, and after the third day I came to the realization that it would do no good to avoid her. It seemed as if she would not allow me to. On the fourth day, I answered. _

"_Where have you been?" Her eyes were bright and filled with worry, something that threw me off balance; it was not a look I expected to see from her, much less aimed in my direction. Underlining that worry was anger, anger no doubt produced by that worry._

_She acted as if she cared what became of me. My heart clenched at the thought. _

"_I have been busy with patients," a half truth and a half lie, but it was all I cared to admit to her. I couldn't very well tell her I had been avoiding her because I feared my growing obsession with her, now could I?_

_She lifted her clenched fist and hit it against my shoulder, not hard, but with enough force to make her point. "I was worried! If you could at least give me some sort of warning when you disappear, I would appreciate it." _

"_Worried about me?" _

_She rolled her eyes. "No, Anders, I was worried about my lack of a healer." _

_It was clear she was being sarcastic, but the words she spoke were the words I feared hearing. I didn't want to be a convenience._

"_You do not need to worry about me." _

_But I'd like her to. Though I left those words unsaid. We had only known each other a handful of weeks and what I felt for her would pass in time. An infatuation, nothing else. Or so Justice hoped. _

"_Kirkwall isn't safe for any mage, Anders. When I cannot find you for a number of days, you should know I would worry the Templars had arrested you." She growled the words, much to my surprise. Perhaps she really did care what became of her people, despite how often her actions dictated otherwise. "I have no doubt that once they discover Justice, they would make you Tranquil." _

_I had that same fear, and same suspicion; at times, I was no better than an abomination. Not quite, but close. So very, very close. _

"_I appreciate your concern, Hawke. I will endeavor to inform you before hand should I not be available." _

"_That's all I ask." She grinned now, another foreign expression on her face, at least when aimed at me. It made me wonder what had changed in the last few days that she was no longer stone cold in regards to me. She didn't flirt with me as she did some of the others – like that bloody elf or that blasted pirate – but somehow this felt more important. _

_She made it a point to leave after that, though she stopped long enough to ask me to join her and the others at the Hanged Man later for drinks. _

_Of course I agreed, saying no to her was something I was beginning to notice was very difficult for me to do. _

_Or perhaps I just didn't **want **to say no.  
_


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: **I am very sorry for the long pause in updates, hopefully that will change. Net problem is fixed now, at least. Yay! Thank you all for your support and kind words!

Disclaimer: Bioware owns it...le sigh.

* * *

_I should not have gone with._

_Mainly why, is because Justice no longer allows me to indulge in getting inebriated. _

_That kindly takes the fun right out of joining 'companions' for drinks, does it not? _

_I remained sober throughout; the others did not. Hawke especially. The woman seemed to love her liquor. That could be a mage thing(though I highly doubt it since dwarves have no magical inclination whatsoever). The more she drank, the more open she became – and open is a phrase I'm using cautiously here. One could mist rue what my intent is, though what you're thinking could be exactly what occurred. And I'm sure it was. _

_I had thought Hawke's open flirting to be hindering before?_

_(This is where I stop to laugh almost ironically)_

_Isabela – the whore – seemed to have no problem with Hawke's lack of inhibition. To the Void with the slut; she was eager to take advantage of it. The more the two played, the more I worried that Hawke preferred women over men. That would greatly reduce my chances, wouldn't you say? _

_(Did she even...**like** men?)_

_The night just wanted to make me pound my head into the table. I had thought that was the worst of it, but decidedly changed my mind when she changed the object of her affections to that homeless, mage-hating elf. By the Void! She had even went so far to lick the edge of his pointed ear!_

_I was shaking, but at least I didn't have to fear her lack of interest in men. _

_Perhaps it was just her lack of interest in me. _

_By the Maker, this woman drives me insane. _

_I had to leave then, before I decided to fry the bloody elf where he sat, clearly flustered(I could only hope they were drunk enough they wouldn't remember this come morning). I definitely should have stayed at the clinic. _

_-x-_

_He does not see how much of a distraction she is. _

_She will ruin our plans. _

_My plans._

_I will do this, we must do this; there is no way out now. No alternative. _

_-x-_

_I woke to find another bit added to my journal; it wasn't anything I could make out, because, whomever wrote it made sure to blacken it out so the words were no longer visible._

_It feels...something is off..._

_What in the Void...?_

_Can't think. Head aching again, need to lie down. No patients today._


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: **This should have been updated a long, long ago. I'm sorry. Things have been crazy lately, and not all in a good way. I will actually start trying to make sure this is updated once a week because they're short entries, and I have a long list of ideas for this piece. Hope you are still enjoying! And thanks for following along thus far!

Disclaimer: Dragon Age belongs to Bioware, but I'll never stop dreaming.

* * *

_I sleep, yet I never feel rested. _

_It's almost like I blank out. More blacked out writing has started in my journal. _

_I have no other choice – I have to stay away from it, and from Hawke. _

* * *

_My resolve has lasted a matter of weeks. Less blackened entries have shown up on these pages since I've resolved to stay awake from Hawke. In turn, the headaches have lessened as well. When I sleep, I feel rested, like I have actually been in bed and asleep. _

_What in the Maker is happening to me? _

_I understand – more than anyone – that my merge with Justice has made me...unstable, to put it mildly, but could it have digressed this far and this quickly? _

_I want to see Hawke. But I know I have to stay away. _

_I have to stay stern in this, for her safety and my own._

* * *

_I couldn't say no. This was something she couldn't do without me, or so she said. _

"_Anders...whether or not you like to acknowledge it, you've been avoiding me. And again, whether you recognize it as the truth or not, you are still a Grey Warden." _

"_You don't need to remind me. They do a well enough without your help." _

_She tried to stifle a smirk, but I could see it in the subtle way the corner of her lips twitched. _

"_Noted. Now – are you coming, or not?" She crossed her arms and leveled her gaze on me stubbornly. I was powerless beneath that stare. Who could say no to Hawke? I sure as couldn't, blast the void. This was the last place I wanted to go. _

_I hate the blighted deep roads. _

"_You know I hate the blighted deep roads," I mumbled. _

"_I know." For the briefest moment, her eyes almost softened, but she kept her arms stubbornly crossed. "You act like I'm giving you a choice here, Anders. I'm not going into the deep roads without a Grey Warden and, by the Maker, you're the only I got!" Her words should have hurt, but I was strangely amused. I suppose I'd grown use to her snarky, sarcastic, pain in my arse, whit. _

_I even missed it, in the weeks I'd kept myself occupied. _

"_Alright Hawke. We'll do it your way then. Off to the deep roads..." I grumbled, then sighed exasperatedly. "Why do I let you talk me into these things?" _

"_Oh c'mon Anders, you know you love me." She winked and then she was gone. _

_Maker's breath, this woman. Little did she know that's exactly how I felt. _


	13. Chapter 13

_The deep roads were a mistake. I knew that before we even left Kirkwall. _

_Now that we've returned, I believe Hawke agrees that it was a mistake. _

_I've always hated the blighted deep roads. _

_Believe me, as a Warden, I have valid enough reasons. You get tired of those blight darkspawn enough on the surface. When you had to go underground, into their tunnels, to hunt them...well, tired of them is a bit of an understatement. Nothing good ever came from the deep roads; examples being the Brood Mother and the Architect. _

_There are two things you never trust – demons and darkspawn. _

_As that blasted elf has said time and time again; demons will trip you up every time. _

_Never thought I'd agree with him. _

_Guess crazy things do happen every day. _

_I seem to have gotten off track...that's been happening a lot lately. What was I speaking of? Demons, darkspawn, deep roads, mistakes...oh, that's right. _

_The deep roads were a mistake. Even Hawke said so. _

_Her reason was more valid than any of ours...her brother could very well be dead. Infected by the blight. If I hadn't been there, he would have been dead for sure. As it was, there was a very good chance he would be dead soon. I led them to Stroud, to the Grey Wardens, and convinced them to take her brother and put him through the joining. _

_Now Hawke is left to wait for word of her brother – whether he lived now as a Grey Warden, or if he had in fact died from the blight. _

_All because of one selfish dwarf's greed. _

_Varric's brother locked us in the deep roads because he didn't want to share the profits of what we'd found. I'm no explorer, but the Thaig, the knowledge of its whereabouts, was enough to make a small fortune. _

_Too bad for that blasted dwarf. Joke was on him because it was us who found the treasure deep within the roads, near the exit we managed to find after defeating a very irritated demon. _

_Did I mention I hate the deep roads? _

* * *

_I'm dreaming of Hawke again. _

_Blast it all. _

**___She is a distraction, one I do not need. _**

* * *

_I am...wary of what I write._

_Last night I climbed out of bed long enough to write down that I'm dreaming of Hawke again. The first two lines are legible, but the third line..._

_It's blacked out. _

_I wrote something but I cannot make out the words. And this isn't the first time it's happened. _

_It's gotten worse since the deep roads..._


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: **There is an A/N in my profile about my work schedule. In the meantime, thank you so much for the reviews, alerts, and favorites. Somehow it always seems to be Anders I channel well. Lol.

**Disclaimer: **Bioware owns Dragon Age...damn.

* * *

_There were more blacked out entries. _

_You see, I kept myself from actively writing. I kept my thoughts to myself for fear of what I may write if I allowed my quill to touch the parchment. _

_The entries did not stop. _

_For three months I kept myself from the tome, kept myself from writing, but within its pages, there are still at least two dozen entries I have no recollection of. Each of them are furiously scratched out so I am unable to make out the words. It's a frightening thing. _

_Despite that, some good news reached us in the last few months. Carver, Hawke's brother and the insufferable brute I dislike, appears to have survived the joining. I never saw him as the responsible sort, but he is a Grey Warden now so responsible he must be. _

_I know I am not one to talk. I left the Wardens. _

_I had to...once they saw what I had become, they tried to kill me. _

_I slaughtered them all. _

_Their blood is on my hands. _

_This is why I must press on, healing the innocents that suffer in the city. Protect the mages that suffer continuously at the templar's hands. _

_**That **is what Justice and I wanted to do, why I offered myself as a host for his spirit. One thing I failed to realize then – Justice sees no grey, no middle ground, no thin lines. There is only black and white, good and evil. _

_But our world is full of grey, reasons why something evil must be done. _

_This is why **I **must be vigilant. Justice won't look for the reasons, he will only deal out what he sees as due punishment in his endeavor to hold true to what it is that he embodies. _

_This is where I sigh and roll my eyes as I've strayed off in talking about Justice once again. _

_What was it I had spoken of before? Ah, yes, Hawke's brother. _

_I was there with her in the Amell home. She had purchased it back from the slavers with the gold she'd gotten from the treasure in the deep roads. A present for her mother, she'd said. While Hawke could have cared less, having never lived in the manor, she'd wanted her mother to be happy in what used to be her old home. _

_As I was saying – the letter. _

_It was to the point and gruff, much like Carver himself. At least he lived. _

_She smiled, an actual smile, as she set aside the letter and turned to me. She said, "thank you, Anders. If it weren't for you, my brother would have died. If there is anything I can do for you, tell me and I will do whatever I can to assist you." _

_It made me wonder who it was I was speaking to. It was very unlike Hawke, at least in my experiences with her. I felt my heart turn over at her words. _

_Already she haunted my dreams. I could not let her haunt my heart next. _

_There is already so much blood on my hands. _

_I cannot taint her. She is far more than I had assumed when we met. Her tough and hardened personality seemed to be only skin deep. _

_I'd misjudged before, though. _

_It's best to keep my distance, no matter how deeply that small, honest smile draws me in. _

* * *

_**Distraction. We wanted to set the mages free, did we not? **_

_**We cannot accomplish this Anders, if you follow this woman on her path. **_

_**Stay. Away. **_

* * *

_The words...they were not blacked out this time around. _

_Justice is trying to speak to me through the quill and it very clear now what it is he thinks. He believes Hawke is a distraction and never more than now, I fear what those words could mean. _


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: **I was beginning to doubt this fic, but all of you who have left such wonderful reviews have shown me that I can keep going. You guys, seriously, every single one of you, rock my socks. Thank you so much; I'm over joyed this fic is going over as well as it is. Anders was always a favorite of mine and I love that I'm doing his justice – no pun intended. Lol.

**Disclaimer: **Bioware owns DA.

* * *

_I didn't see much of Hawke - or anyone else for that matter - in the months that followed. Strangely, things around Kirkwall seemed to have settled down some. I focused on healing, helping those in Kirkwall who needed a healer's hand. Justice even let up a touch; thank the Maker for that(not that I believe in him, mind you). I whole heartedly feared I was on the verge of losing my mind, losing what little of my humanity I had left. Staying away from Hawke seemed to appease the spirit. As far as the last few months went, I barely even felt him. _

_Instead of making me feel better, that only made me feel upset. Uneasy. As if he was lurking, waiting for the right moment before he sprang forth again; why else would he nearly disappear when I started to keep my distance from Katherine? _

_I fear he means her harm. _

_Andraste's flaming knickers; I swore off of romance for this very reason. _

_I was never big on rules though, was I? (This is where I feel a bit of my old self coming on, a smirk crossing my lips as I shake my head with a dissappointed sigh)._

_Was it selfish of me, to want to return to those days in amaranthine? Ah, things were so simple back then. Be a Grey Warden, slay a darkspawn here, rescue a damsel in distress there – not like it was now. All I can think about is a woman I cannot have and the plight of mages throughout Thedas. Often my dreams are a mixture of the two – my chasing after Katherine Hawke while being assualted by templars. They usually ended with my becoming tranquil. _

_Even thinking of it makes me shudder. _

_I never really gave it much thought before merging with Justice but now it is something that haunts me daily. Every shadow on the street makes me tense – every corner has a templar waiting to cut me down. Or worse, waiting for the word to take Hawke. It was one thing to have a name to hide behind. In time, it would fade as everything did and there would be nothing to protect her from Meredith. More than anything, I feared what they would do to her. Her eyes empty, tone flat..._

_Let's not go there, shall we? _

_You know, reading over this I can see about three thirds of it reads of nothing but Hawke. _

_Perhaps obsessed is accurate after all. _

_I wanted to forget about her, move on to focus on what things Justice deemed important; what was the point in trying to fight him and his desires to set right the injustices? I sealed my fate when I told him he could use me. _

_Who am I jesting? _

**I am Justice.**


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: **Thank you again for your kind reviews on the latest chapter. :)

**Disclaimer: **Bioware owns DA.

* * *

_There was a lot that happened in the months before we left for the deep roads. A lot of it I never witnessed myself. Hawke didn't take me on her every expedition(no matter how much I wished for her to do just that). I try to reason that being why I longed for her as badly as I did, why she had the tendency to haunt my every waking thought and my every dream. I know that is not the truth; I'm in denial, I know, and that I am trying to rationalize my obsession. _

_It's beside the point anyway. _

_A lot of what happened before the deep roads, I wasn't involved in. A lot I heard from our nightly gatherings at the Hanged Man, or from that dwarf, Varric – as if he could keep his mouth shut. I don't even think he could help himself if he tried. _

_One of these times I might have to make a wager with him – see if he is capable of going even a day or two without going off into one of his over the top magnificent tall tales. _

_Although, I do find myself listening a little too intently whenever he tells of Katherine's adventures. _

_I seem to have digressed again. _

_Just let me sigh and shake my head here, because it does seem to happen a lot lately. I wonder if it's a drawback to having two minds in this one body – I don't recall entirely if I was this way before I merged with Justice. _

_All of this I am writing because Katherine requested my help today. There was this young man, half elven man, named Feynriel. I was not present for her initial encounter with him – she told me enough to keep me in the loop, though. I was surprised she came to me, to be honest. However, as soon as she mentioned the Fade, I knew why she had come._

_Justice. _

_As a spirit of the Fade, he was ultimately the one with the most experience. My body being his host, made me her ideal companion for a jaunty trip into the place where demon and spirit alike walked. _

_I was wary to accept. _

_I had no idea what to expect – how could I? I dared not visit the Fade after merging with Justice and seeing what became of the Wardens who confronted us. Or even what we did to those templars in the chantry(though I cannot bring myself to feel truly bad about that instance). The Fade being where Justice hailed from made me wary of entering it; being a mage, I would often visit it in my dreams. Demons try to use our dreams, hopes, and desires, during such dreams. But I feared my corruption of his spirit extended even there. _

_It is my fault he is the way he is now. The way **we **are. _

_I was right to be wary, but for the wrong reasons. _

_I think I am finally, fully, able to realize how Justice feels, trapped inside my body as he is. We do not have multiple personalities, as most people assume directly off the boat. His thoughts are mine, and my thoughts are his – despite being able to lose myself to him, we share one wavelength. _

_The Fade though...I was right to be wary. _

_I am still frightened._

_I fear this is how things will be in the end. _

_I fear this how I will finally lose myself. _

_I will be trapped inside and forced to watch as the world falls to Justice's agenda. In the Fade, I could not speak. In the Fade, I was not Anders. _

_I was Justice. _

_And although Justice seemed to be himself once more, I know what he is like outside of the Fade. How he is when he is corrupted by man – by me. _

_I fear I have been shown my future. _

_Just as every one of Katherine's companions fell to temptation – even that stubborn, pig headed elf Fenris – it will only be a matter of time before I, too, fall. _


End file.
